Mars Square Mars in Synastry

Mars square Mars in synastry is considered one of the hardest aspects, and unfortunately it can indeed make it difficult for some couples to sustain a healthy relationship in the long term. However – while it possesses challenges, this aspect on its own doesn’t have to be a deal breaker; and today that’s what we’ll dive deeper into. If we are able to approach one another from a space of understanding, awareness, patience and maturity, a relationship can deepen into love and intimacy.

As always, please remember that synastry aspects should not be taken as an absolute – they are only relative to all else happening with the rest of the synastry, and dependent on each person’s natal charts, self awareness and personality. More important that anything, relationship dynamics are dependent on each person’s maturity level, openness and willingness to make the relationship work. Awareness transforms everything, and allows us to love more consciously, and make more intentional choices. 

In synastry, Mars square Mars usually creates a lot of attraction, alongside a lot of conflict, or the very fertile grounds for conflict and frustration to grow. Sex and fighting, sex and fighting, desire and repulsion, compassion and annoyance, tenderness and aggression – and all just has the potential to walk thin lines, and within seconds we may go from love to hate, and then hate to love again, and then again and again – unless we are a bit more emotionally mature.

Mars is a hunter. And our Mars shows how we approach that which we desire. And when both partners have their inner hunters in a mutual conversation of tension and difficulty, both hunt the hunter and both may get offensive and defensive real fast.

Mars is an impulse to connect, an impulse to mate, and to get what we want. If both partners are armoured and hunting each other’s hunters, there may not be much space to grow because there isn’t much space for vulnerability. Vulnerability requires us to take off our armours and shields, and reveal ourselves. This is how we deepen into love, because vulnerability opens us to intimacy. But if we are more focused on winning, rather than happiness or love or togetherness, most of our relationship space will be taken with fighting, defending, frustration, and wanting to win. This dynamic is the definition of: do you want to be right or married?

In synastry, this square aspect may manifest as building inner frustration or fighting or bickering, but what is underneath it is Mars’ desire to connect. It’s just that both partners are approaching one another as hunters, not as lovers. And we cannot ask Mars to take off his armour just like that – that’s not his nature. So there will always be this Mars instinct, to react instinctively and be a bit defensive. A small comment could be taken the wrong way, etc.

Mars begins the zodiac ruling a person’s infancy. And with this aspect we usually act like infants. Our fights sound like children’s fights, even though in the moment we are blinded and think it’s the most serious and important issue on earth. The problem is that is Mars also rules the eight zodiac, so cuts are deep, swords are sharp, and we can’t just “get over it” after the fight. The hurts often remain and fester, and we ruminate.

Our desire to connect and be intimate with our partner, both sexually and emotionally, may not translate in a way that our partner perceives loving. We might be approaching them, and they us, through a space of an armoured-up rather than “here is my open vulnerable naked heart”; so basically, we push our buttons when we actually want affection, or are just a bit too raw, primal, direct, unrefined or aggressive.

Both people’s Mars are equally single-focused on getting what they want – they are not the same hunters but they are both hunters nonetheless; they have their unique hunting abilities and styles, different skills, different weapons and tricks up their sleeve. So we can’t simply hunt a hunter the way we’ll hunt a non-hunter – in the sense that the way Mars may go after Venus is not the same strategy Mars should use if they are engaging with another Mars. So the way these two now have to adapt, in order to satisfy their real desire which is to connect, is through another hunting tactic: studying the one you want to approach, and paying attention. And there should also be respect – because you don’t disrespect another hunter in the wild, a leopard doesn’t disrespect an alligator, and you don’t cross their boundaries and territories armed up. If you seek connection, you need to first lay down your own sword.

This means understanding your partner’s needs, spending time and putting in the effort learning about their inner world, and being mature about it. It means intentional listening, less reacting more responding, less “winning” more tenderness and more togetherness. It’s about the right approach.

You have to spend time getting to know one another, and what your needs and desires are, what triggers you, what you don’t like, and what is your unique rhythm and timing.

If you are approaching your lover as if they are Venus or the Moon, and you expect that they will surrender and unveil their heart in your arms you’ll just fail – because you are not dealing with Venus or the Moon, you are dealing with another Mars, who is perceiving your approach as attack. And they will armour up because that’s what we do with our natal Mars. With this aspect, we need to understand that while we need our armours, we also need to know when and for whom to take them off.

And it is about first you making that move of opening up, and revealing your vulnerability. Otherwise, it will be a battlefield you’d be living in, rather than lover’s land.

When you take off your armour, the other person feels safer to do the same also. In relationships, we need to be able to provide the needed space within which vulnerability can happen. True lovers meet when boundaries dissolve, and when they deepen into intimacy on all levels.

The way to deal with this aspect and transform it is maturity.

Mars square Mars is often defined by uncontrolled impulses, dramatic reactions, instincts to defend, and by a lot of impulsivity – so the way to deal with this is emotional maturity and self-awareness – because awareness controls instinct.

You need to take self-accountability for the way you react, and for the kind of space you are nourishing and nurturing between you. Yes, your partner will need to do the same, but we start from you, we start from us and our inner self, because Mars is about initiation. You need to admit your true desires and intentions and feelings, you need to be vulnerable, and of course it’s scary because you are revealing yourself, even though Mars doesn’t do that. So you need to be courageous and push beyond a primal instinct with awareness and maturity.

You also need to create a space of calmness, love, tenderness and non-judgment, so that your partner opens up – rather than perceiving you as a threat and activating their Mars impulse and instinct to defend or attack. If we want our partner to open up, i.e. Mars to open up and disarm and get naked, we need to back off, and create the ambiance for them to get naked. When you get naked, the other Mars will lay down their armours and swords, and be with you in togetherness and nakedness also. They too will reveal their inner worlds, and desires and needs and feelings towards you. And through that mutual vulnerability, you’ll connect on a deeper level and bond in a fulfilling way. You are in this love together, not against each other.

One of the things we often forget when we fight is that we must be fighting for a solution together and not against each other. When tensions rise we usually have only 10 seconds of rational thought, before we go into the instinctual attack–blame–defend, war time mode in our mind – that’s just human nature. After these 10 seconds there is very little listening and responding, because there is not much logic and focus – so don’t force things to be discussed right here right now. Understand that the other person’s experience of what just happened may be completely different from yours, and the key to a “good fight” is empathy, awareness and listening. This happens first by giving each other space to reflect and cool off. And when you ask for space to cool off, make sure you then stay true to your word and come back to resolve the conflict or misunderstanding, because otherwise trust will be broken and you are just showing that your partner can’t rely on you to solve things. And once trust breaks, it can’t really be built again.

We need to be able to adapt in relationships, and harmonize within this new land we walk: the land of our relationship, of the magic word called “us”.

It can be very exhausting to live with someone who is constantly getting triggered, and we too, and we are bickering and fighting and walking on egg shells, and frustrated, and even upon sexual steam frustration steams. This aspect can often create the feeling of being offended: I feel offended by you, and what you said, and how you said it. The offense comes from the impulse to defend ourselves, and we need to think about that, to come into some self-restraint rather than picking up swords all the time. This can become a habit really quick, to the point that we resent even our daily interactions and prefer less and less time with them. This is one of the reasons that couples with this aspect just prefer to separate since it’s hard to deal with.

We have to be really mindful about who we are actually dealing with in this Mars conversation, and about how we are affecting them. We need to sit on and control a lot of these impulses and instincts and natural defensive mechanisms – and decide whether we want to win or be happy, whether we want to win or be together. If we want to win, it’d be a battlefield, and the hurts will dig deep, because when Mars squares Mars hurts burn deep. It’s not something we “get over”, we usually ruminate over it, sometimes days and days, and then either spill it out or just continue ruminating.

It stings us because Mars is about our ego, but it is also about our boundaries, about our layer of protection. And when someone hurts our Mars we feel weak, disrespected, and so we armour up even more. You need to respect each other’s boundaries, and respect each other’s strengths, armours and spaces, and protect the vulnerability and privacy of one another. 

The higher purpose and manifestation of Mars is one aligned to integrity, values and protecting those he loves, which is why he is connected to the house of marriage and relationships in our natal charts – but when we are a bit too selfish or immature, and more focused on winning or getting what we want at all cost, without considering the needs and best interests of others, this is when things can get tricky. When Mars is not aware, it is impulsive, defensive, self-centered and self-serving. Awareness controls instinct, and the more aware we are, the more conscious we love and embody the higher values of Mars.

A relationship is not a battlefield, it is a love land – it is a making of love, a seeking to connect and deepen with one another. So while the impulse to fight and defend is there, through maturity and self-awareness, we can learn to make love with our fires rather than burn the house and one another.

For more of my writings, browse through my Art of Love.

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Cover movie still from The Seven Year Itch, Trailer distributed by 20th Century Fox, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.