A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul as to unite him with Source.
A man’s highest calling is to protect woman so she is free to walk the earth unharmed.
~ Cherokee proverb
Our greatest adversary in life is forgetfulness – forgetting our inner truth, wisdom, ability to love, and the way of love. Much of our knowledge and power have been lost in our world and it is time to remember.
It is the time to remember ourselves.
As much as we’ve been shown, or told, that men and women can live as equals, there continues to be a void within and unfulfillment in intimate relationships. And it’s because we are not necessarily honouring our true essences. There are very real, even if sometimes subtle, differences between us. Our inability to see and accept and truly understand the essence of who we are eventually leads to confused and frustrated relationships.
We have to remember how to thrive together – to remember the power of love and respect that lies in knowing the differences between us.
Love is a most beautiful dance between the masculine and feminine – we repulse and surrender, we push and pull, like waves, inseparable from each other, and learning to flow in our together – in the ever-deepening of trust and long term intimacy.
In our modern day, women are forced to live as men, and vice versa, and as much as are told to be true to ourselves, societies rarely support us to live in authenticity. And when we are forced to live against the natural flow of our unique energy, we are essentially denied a part of our individuality, integrity and worthiness.
We need one another, to thrive in the beautiful song of alchemy that love is – and knowing how to thrive in our interdependency allows for an opening, a deepening of understanding and intimacy.
Feminine energy in its essence is yin and receptive – it draws in, it pulls in, towards itself. Masculine is the go-getter, the initiator, the protector. Misunderstanding how energy works leads to many issues, and one such problem is communication.
When a woman speaks, when the feminine speaks, she says what “she doesn’t want.” But to the man, to the masculine, this may seem negative because he speaks, he focuses of what “he wants.”
But this is how it’s supposed to be. The only thing wrong is that we are the ones who need to understand how energies work and respect the natural flow of life.
Today, many masculine “gurus” are coming in and saying “go get what you want, do, do, do!” But for the feminine energy, this is an inversion of its purity because she is about drawing in and receiving all that she already possesses within herself. And so, many women have a hard time attracting and receiving, because we’ve become out of balance. Many women also have a hard time saying “no” because of this feminine imbalance, have a hard time expressing their needs and desires, and often times carry so much shame and guilt for being who they are and feeling how they feel. They also become overly-analytical, closed off, or on the other extreme – taking on all the responsibility in relationships and babying their men, because the men are stuck in boy psychology.
It is extremely stressful when a woman has to live like a man, and vice versa. Not only are we beginning to harm our root and sacral chakras, which then suppresses our creative flow, but it starts to manifests physically on our health, also.
The Masculine and the Feminine Aspects of Love.
The masculine aspect of love is the sun, the fiery sword that becomes the action, the word, the prayer, the seed, the penetrative power which initiates, which says “I love you. I want you. I need you.”
The feminine aspect of love is the mystic, the healer, the pulling you in. She is the moon, the darkness, the wetness. She is the yearning, the longing, the moist soil, the bottom of the wells, the wombed room, the cup to be filled, the tides pulling in towards herself, the desire, the dreaming. She is the memory itself. She whispers in a voice only the soul of her beloved understands and she says, “I am waiting for you. I am longing for you. I desire only you.”
She is nature itself, the good mud and fertile soil of earth. And he is the hands that dig in searching for her, sometimes even without the expectation of ever finding her – but because he knows no other way than the need to find her and awaken his own self into the remembering.
And then, one day, soul touches soul on the lips. And of their love, a new soul is born: the soul of their relationship.
The Distancer – Pursuer Cycle.
The distancer – pursuer cycle can be incredibly unhealthy in relationships. In this dynamic, one partner is the pursuer – meaning that they often focus too much on the other – while the other withdraws further and further from them. And the more the distancer distances, the more the pursuer is frustrated and acts in a critical or nagging manner.
When the pursuer finally stops doing this, and engages themselves in self-soothing, a more inner balance world emerges – which inevitably affects the relationship dynamic. The distancer may then stop withdrawing or stonewalling, because this “strategy” was only effective when there was a pursuer, and no longer has any impact. At this point, the pursuing partner, who seemed overly dependent before, is now reclaiming their own autonomy and feeling more independent focusing on their own interests – as they also raise their self worth, self confidence and self respect. And in return, the distancing partner, who may have seemed overly detached and independent, now has more space to feel their own feelings and express their own attachment needs.
The lost parts of the self emerge and each partner feels more whole. When each partner is able to differentiate and take responsibility for their attachment strategies, they discover the “lost” or undeveloped parts of themselves coming into more inner and outer balance and harmony.
For example, the partner who may have seemed too insensitive to the needs of the other, or too cold or too detached, is now faced with the new capacity of the other to self-soothe and focus on their own needs as well, rather than constantly chasing them, and they can now face their own feelings and attachment needs that they didn’t before. They may now realize that they have needs to be close as well rather than distance themselves and run away, and may choose to acknowledge and honour these needs, thereby becoming more open to deeper intimacy and closeness.
In healthy mature and truly intimate relationships, there is interdependence, and any distancer – pursuer cycles have stopped.
When we stop trying to make our partner into something that they aren’t, we take responsibility for what we can provide for ourselves, what we need in relationships to feel fulfilled, as well as accepting the reality of who the other person is also. From that clarity, we make better and more conscious decisions, and settle our relationships into deeper harmony and intimacy. We are also better at choosing the right partner for us, rather than distract ourselves from ourselves, and be stuck in unhealthy cycles with no end, that don’t serve neither of us.
When Man goes Silent, Woman goes Cold.
So let’s discuss an example of a well known dynamic that unfolds in intimate relationships, the silence – coldness dynamic, which eventually leads to distancing, sadness and separation. While I will refer to man and woman for the sake of the explanation, I am speaking about the energies, so feel free to apply this to your own unique situation.
The equivalent to a woman being cold is a man ignoring her or being silent. In both cases, the other will start to distance themselves.
When a man feels that he is criticised whether because his partner is nagging him or being cold or because he isn’t understanding the way of the feminine communication and way of expression, he begins to distance himself. While she is essentially voicing herself and her needs, in the way she knows how, what he is hearing or perceiving is: “She doesn’t like me the way I am”, “She doesn’t love me anymore”, “I am not good enough”, “I can’t make her happy”, “She doesn’t want me”.
Physiological stress heightens up in these situations and he withdraws – he becomes silent. When she meet his silence, all her fears go up, protection goes up, and she begins to distance herself also. For both partners, this becomes unhealthy.
A man has a hunter instinct imprinted on his consciousness. He needs to be out there, slaying dragons, hunting, initiating – and all this makes him feel more adequate and confident, as he then has something to offer to another. A man needs to feel needed to feel good.
While he is out there, being completely focused on his work – he tunes out of all distractions. She may send him a message if he is okay because she is worried about him – but he ignores it, doesn’t reply, not because he doesn’t care but because he is too focused on work, or feels he can’t offer her anything. Her worries pile up – is he even alive, what if an accident happened? A man forgets, and just doesn’t know how because he doesn’t even understand why, to still be connected to her and that a simple message is all she needs.
In his times of silence whether because of working, hunting, or slaying inner dragons, her interpretation is: “He doesn’t love me anymore”, “He doesn’t care about me”, “This situation is not safe for me anymore, I am not safe”. She then begins to feel ignored, left alone, rejected, cold and abandoned, exposed in her vulnerability.
A woman doesn’t need to be saved from dragons – she needs to feel safe. And the way she feels safe with her partner, is when he has created for her a space where she can thrive, feel loved and cared for, and has the emotional stability and consistency in which she can settle worries and doubts – and then, be able to open and unveil in her feminine, creative and sexual power.
Through the years and her experienced, she has a voice in her mind, off and on, tuning in and saying “everything is okay” which calms her and soothes her worries and doubts. But that’s no way to live long term with a partner who will constantly put her in situations of doubts, aloneness and confusion. When a man goes silent and disappears – or tunes her out – this creates increable instability and affects her well-being.
Her mind begins to race thinking and over-analyzing anything and everything. Did she say something wrong? Did she do something wrong? What caused the silence? What could she have done differently? How can she best deal with the situation – how can she fix it? Depending on her own character, she may choose drama based on primal instincts, or understanding based on the rational mind though while maybe suppressing her instinctual nature and overlooking any red flags. She might turn against herself, and attack herself, blaming herself and feeling guilty. She may become paralyzed by all these narratives in her mind, and will eventually distance herself.
A woman needs a sense of stability in intimacy – a shell where she can thrive as the pearl that she is.
The Shell and the Pearl.
A common symbolism of the intertwining of the two energies is the shell and the pearl. The masculine energy serves as the shell and when that protective shell is gone in any shape or form, the woman will immediately contract within herself and go into a state of defense or rigidity. This is a coping mechanism rather than a natural state of contentment. Very few women can live in that state for too long, and when they do – this will lead to an overall decrease in well-being and joy in the long-run. The imbalance in their feminine energy will lead them to be angry, resentful, critical, aggressive, chronically stressed, bitter, judgmental, neurotic, and emotionally numb or cold. In turn – this will cause the men to feel suppressed, distant and unneeded by their partner. This is the reverse of polarity that causes many problems in relationships, and within the self as well because we are made of both energies, and both live within us.
On the other hand – a lot of women who think they are living in a “safe space and are taken care of by their partners” – are actually living in restrictive, controlling and abusive environments. Controlling behaviours have very subtle signs and are often times the first step towards abuse. It is important to be educated on these topics, so that we are more aware and discerning. Many people stay in toxic relationships and environments, mistaking love and caring for control, manipulation and possession.
A beautiful balance comes when the man is able to provide safety, stability, honour, protection and trust – and the woman then surrenders in his love and safe embrace. They can enhance one another’s true selves and their states of natural loving being. In this space, the woman can share more of her love, tenderness, nurturing, openness and caring for her partner. A healthy feminine partner would allow the other to feel seen, nurtured and understood, which would invite him to step into his direction, protection and conscious leadership. Of course, this implies that both are in that healthy mature vibration. You can read my article on The Love Dance: Feminine and Masculine Energy.
Sending Rose Petals.
A woman doesn’t need a bouquet of roses – but she needs a petal a day. A petal of a kiss, a smile, a hug, a loving gesture, a caring holding of hand, a compliment, a telling her “all is okay”, or middle of day message “I love you”.
These seemingly small gestures are all she needs to soothe her, relieve her, so she goes about her own life. It will help her feel more calm rather than paralyzed by thoughts and scatters of the mind. And it will also help the man to feel more calm, knowing that loving arms await him home and will welcome his return.
A lack of rose a day is a turning point in many marriages. Stress builds over time. Issues build, often not talked about. Disappointments, feelings of being unloved and ignored … Distances. And once made bridges of love and warmth towards one another freeze, and then shatter.
At first, the man might keep returning, hoping she is in a “better mood” and that by ignoring what happened, somehow all will be well. But that’s not how it works – that’s not how her energy works. His inability to understand her, and just keep acting the way he does, is what makes him come home, expecting things to be as they were. He returns with great excitements about his hunt of the dragon, his achievements, his success! He thinks she will surely now be proud of me, embrace me, love me, appreciate me and respect me! He is looking forward to his well-deserved warm and comforting welcome after his adventures – but what he receives instead is her coldness.
All throughout his time away, when he was focused on work and cut all his distractions, she felt ignored, left alone, rejected and uncared for. This all created layers of instability and caused her to distance for him. She doesn’t want to open up anymore. She doesn’t want intimacy anymore – as intimacy is based on vulnerability and by now, she is feeling extremely unsafe and cared for, so how can she open in such an instable space of feeling? Maybe they’ll sleep in separate rooms. Maybe they’ll start living different lives internally. She doesn’t even feel the need to share with him, once again for the 1000th time, what she needs – because all the times before, apparently didn’t matter as all repeated itself. She clams up, shells up, armours up. He feels rejected now. Unloved. Unneeded. Not a man enough, not good enough – how is he a man if he can’t make a woman feel good and safe? This is a great wound in a man, and it is incredibly painful and deep.
She feels that he comes and goes, in and out of her life as he pleases without any consideration for her. She feels like an object to be used as the whim takes him. She does not understand. He does not understand. Even when they do maybe understand the other, the physiology is stronger than the rational mind. The stress levels are up, and the frozen bridges have shattered.
Cultivating the Love.
Asking a man to be like a woman, or a woman to be like a man, is not the answer. We shouldn’t have to go against our natural essence of self. We need to instead unite, flow and learn to thrive together in the continuous alchemy that the song of love truly is. It is through this uniting of our beautiful opposing energies, that completeness is created.
It is healthy, and natural, for the man to go on his hunt, to be focused on his work – he needs that. It is healthy, and natural, for the woman to go berry picking, to spend meaningful and quality time with her loved ones, and delve into her inspired creativity.
So how can we cultivate the love, finding our way back to one another, and thriving together in union of deep long lasting intimacy?
A woman can find some alleviation and soothing through:
- our most primal sense – smell. In the times when you feel ungrounded, when he is away from you and mind is racing, pick up his shirt and smell it. This will automatically make your brain connect to your beloved, as if he is still with you. The mind chatter stop, the brain is relieved. Using our senses are a great grounding technique – and of course, you can use any of them, whatever feels right for you.
- bringing your consciousness to the back of your neck and brain. Focus on that area, as this is where part of our intuition is, and connects us deeply to our inner knowing and inner wisdom. Let this guide you as you navigate through the uncertainties of the emotional wild lands that intimate relationships inevitably are. Keep that inner knowing and inner guidance – until his hunt is over and he return to your loving arms.
- expressing to your partner your needs and desires. Educate him and let him learn the way your love is. Often times women think men don’t want to know us, but when you are with the right one – he wants to, and he needs you to guide him along your unique emotional and spiritual wild lands. Let him know why certan things you perceive in certain ways; why you need to know whether he is okay when you are worried as he is away; why you express yourself the way you do; and what your inner desires and needs to feel loved and appreciated. Let him know how much it means to you and what it will do for you to receive those rose petals. Do not ignore your needs and pretend everything is okay when it is not – this will only create distance, coldness and resentment, which are the beginning of separations.
To feel the warmth and comfort of the loving arms of your woman, dear men, consider this:
- be clear and intentional in explaining why you need to tune out of everything while doing your work – why you need to pick up your arrows, saddle up the horse, kiss her good-bye and go on your hunt. Ler her know that slipping out of concentration may not be good while you are slaying dragons. Make her be your support and by your side, and on your side, while you are out there – and you do this by openly sharing with her about your work and any challenges you are facing there that might be keeping you occupied. She will support you and understand – so allow her the opportunity to understand you. Don’t cause her confusion and instability by not being open about what’s going on in your world and work.
- be clear with when you expect to return. And allow for trust and reliance to build as you keep your promises, and staying true to your word. Consistently being late or missing or not replying are incredibly hurtful and disrespectful – and only cause her to feel she can’t rely on you nor trust you to be a real man by her side with whom she can build her kingdom.
- a petal a day. Don’t just drop out of nowhere with expectations, suddenly, and unrealistically, expecting her to embrace you with open arms if you’ve been long quiet and distant. Open her again, slowly and gently. With patience and kindness of rhythm, give her the time, space and emotions she needs.
Unless you are lost in space, stranded on an island with no wifi, or in a coma, don’t forget, dear man – a petal a day. This will lift her spirit, help her support you, and free her to go about her own life. This will allow her to stay open in her love and sensuality and nurturing towards you – so that when you come home, you will find a pearl, not a clam. And a petal a day, while seemingly small as gestures, is what will make a world of difference for your relationship long term.
And when he asks to know you, open for him, open for him and tell him – tell him your desires, your needs and your mystical secrets. Tell him not because – but because his soul asked you to.
Deep love is based upon seeing the true self of another person; we need to be attuned to them, which means we need to see them, hear them, understand them and communicate with them in the way they need to, and not as we want them to be. You don’t have to be a psychic, telepath or empath, but you can learn about another by intentional and deep listening. This requires devotion, effort, paying attention, and a real commitment to being completely trustworthy.
When a man is attuned to the woman’s needs, he will understand better her inner world, and that she often lives in emotional and physical states of worries and fears, thereby needing safety, security, reliance and protection in her life. His priority would become her safety and helping her to feel safe with him – which means emotional safe as well. Otherwise, due to his different perception of life and his own unique physical and biological experience of life, he may dismiss or minimize her emotions and feelings, distract her from them, invalidate them and eventually this misunderstanding will create distance, disconnection, separation or worse yet – a decrease in wellbeing. Moreover, the woman starts to be emotionally detached and physically detached, leaving the man wondering why. She will also eventually lose respect for him and find him repulsive.
For a woman to feel emotionally open and sexually aroused, she needs to feel good and have the safe environment where she can lean into her feminine self, and be vulnerable enough to express herself wholly. We all need a space or a person in our life with whom we can truly surrender ourself for a moment, let go of all burdens, and just be at peace with complete trust. Also – when a man is not emotionally available for his partner, this not only makes him untrustworthy, but it also causes the woman to feel alone, misunderstood, not truly seen, and overall – unsafe.
A man attuning to a woman’s needs and providing that trustworthy space for her, would also deepen the emotional connection in the relationship.
In the case that a fight happens between the two partners, and one partner feels they need some space otherwise they’ll lash out – be considerate enough to say clearly that you need time to cool off and reorganize your thoughts – and that when you feel more balanced, you will return, so that the conflict is resolved into peace, clarity and mutual understanding. As the other partner in the mutual exchange – allow them to have that space and don’t nag that all has to be cleared now when emotions are high and vision is muddy. But remember – that when you are asking for space to be given, you then need to return as you said. If you don’t, trust will be broken because you didn’t stay true to your word and nothing ws solved.
In intimate relationships both partners have to rise above their primal instincts and raise their energy together. When there is a great difference and discrepancy between their spiritual energetic states, the the relationship becomes unhealthy. The energies need to be of similar strength and be beautifully balanced for harmony to blossom, and for both partners to thrive in their being. Otherwise, aspects of the relationship begin to crumble and eventually all shatters.
While out hunting, the spiritual practice for a man is to cultivate the love for his beloved – and not to disconnect from her. His instincts will want him to focus solely on the hunt and not consider anything else, because all else might be a distraction. But as he comes into his maturity, and becomes the emotionally and spiritually mature king that he could be, he steps into real manhood; he raises his energy level to become bigger than himself as he is now able to stay connected to his beloved while hunting. This will reward him the true pearl of wisdom and love.
While alone, the spiritual practice for the woman is to cultivate the expansion of consciousness. Her instincts will want her to distance herself, to become cold, to close off. But as she raises her energy to an expanded consciousness, she will rise above the personal situation and open greater doorways, deeper openings, through which new insights will emerge.
Her heart will not feel wounded and paralysed anymore. Her vision will be clear – she will have connection to heart, to soul and to God. Because it is the heart that is the initiatory pathway to higher consciousness. She will create beauty and life through her sacral, her solar plexus will feel strong, and she will be free to walk her spiritual path – tall, glorious and powerful.
There, above the instinctual programming, with higher awareness both lovers meet and see each other clearly. There, in these wild lands, soul touches soul on the lips, as two worlds meet and kiss, and a new soul is born of their love: the soul of their relationship. There, the two lovers thrive in their together, in the place where roses eternally and continuously bloom, with scents of heavenly sweetness, where river flow free and soften skins, soften hearts and soften minds, and the slow dripping nectar of love is as ever-deepening as their long lasting intimacy.
All featured photos and video are from my garden of wild roses.
The article is inspired by the teachings of Oona Fergusson.
With love and peace,
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