“You may talk. And I may listen. And miracles might happen.” ~ Ernest Hemingway
Everything in life is a relationship, and we are in many relationships. No one is actually ever “single”, and we need to move away from these outdated almost teenage-like mentalities. We have relationships with friends, with family, with the work we do, with our ideas and beliefs and our emotions and feelings, with the way we treat others such as the cashiers in the store and the servers in the restaurant, and we are also, always, in a relationship with ourselves – in a relationship with our body, and our body is the beloved companion of our soul, and within our body is our heart, our home, the place we invite someone we love.
In romantic relationships, people often focus on whether there is love and passion, or is it destined; but the reality is that even if there is indeed true love that is mutual between the two partners, this doesn’t mean the relationship will last or be fulfilling. Even if two people are in true love, they need the right relationship skills in order for the relationship itself to be built, nurtured and sustained in fulfilling and healthy ways. The humility of this deserves to be treasured.
We often hear how communication is key, but it isn’t about “communicating” as in talking; it is about understanding. People may constantly communicate, but what matters is to listen and try to understand the other person. And this means: deep listening and kind, compassionate speech free of judgments and unasked opinions disguised as constructive criticism.
In our world today it’s becoming increasingly hard to have even one person with whom we may truly share of ourselves and how we feel, because we are often faced with judgments, projections and feeling unheard. Love is about acceptance and feeling a sense of peace and home with someone, i.e. feeling like you can share how you feel and what you are going through without feeling like the other will betray your trust or judge you or like you need to share only a little and only in a certain way because of how they’d respond and like you need to walk on egg shells around them.
To be someone whom another will feel at peace with and in love with truly, so that deep love and deep intimacy will happen, means that you need to provide a home within your heart for their heart. This means you need to have that home within you first; and it’s a home of compassion, warmth, kindness, patience, respect, support, trust, so that they can feel welcomed and secure and safely held within your home.
What home do we provide for others when we invite them in? How does it feel for someone to enter your home? How do they feel – do they feel comfortable, nervous, peaceful, free? Are you trustworthy; do they feel protected in their privacy?
Sharing means to build a bridge; to empty yourself of your own biases, to open yourself to another to hear them as they are, to see them as they are. Sharing doesn’t mean to start speaking about your own self without listening to the other person; it doesn’t mean to share your judgments, opinions and ideas about the other person after you hear them – it means to listen and respond kindly and mindfully.
People just want to be heard and understood; and as human beings we may not always be able to understand everything about another and their own experiences because there are vast worlds within each person that will forever remain somewhat mysterious and unknown to us, and we’ll never ever know another fully, so we can’t pass opinions and judgments; and we certainly shouldn’t categorize people based on just a few things they’ve shared with us. And we may not always agree with their perspectives and insights neither, but we still show up, listen and support them with kindness, holding and compassion.
Listening is difficult for most people, but it is one of the core things we need to know and build and work on as relationships skills, so that we are good partners, friends, children and parents.
Deep listening means we empty ourselves and stay in the present moment with attention on what the other shares. They may be sharing joys, hurts, disappointments, insights, perspectives, and experiences. By practicing deep listening, we help create a calm and receptive environment that nurtures the bridge between us.
Even though we may have the intention to listen deeply, our mind may still wander and that’s okay. Perhaps we are agreeing or disagreeing; perhaps we are feeling confused, agitated, bored or excited; perhaps we are waiting to respond, or perhaps we’re drifting in our own thoughts. If we remain mindful of our thoughts and inner dialogue, we may choose to come back to being present with the person speaking.
Speaking with kindness and compassion, with a loving mindful speech, and connecting with others through eye contact can go a long way. It isn’t about giving our unasked opinions, and we should keep ourselves from doing that; we can try to focus on “I” versus “you”, which may help us keep away from giving opinions or advice. Speaking from our own experiences and insights may be beneficial to another, depending on the situation, but we should all remain mindful in the humble truth that we will never know another fully, so while it may be helpful to share our own experiences, we should stay away from giving advices. Again, people just need to share sometimes and unburden themselves; they need to feel seen and heard and help in their moment.
Trust is crucial, and it is a result of confidentiality that it’s like a vow we must give. “What is said here stays here” is what this vow sounds like. Confidentiality secures the safety someone feels and eventually, as you stay true to your vow rather than gossiping, it builds the trust and deepens the trust another person has in you. Trust is something we build, and we need to be trustworthy people. We need to make our home within which we invite another to feel trusting and safe for them.
Speak mindfully when responding, and with loving kind speech. When intense emotions arise within you such as judgment of self or others, frustration, impatience, exclusion or anger, you need to remain mindful of that, and perhaps later take it as an opportunity for self reflection. Often, these may be reflecting to you an aspect within you that you may need to reflect on and come into deeper self acceptance of who you are and who you can choose to be moving forward.
Words can hurt people, and words can also raise people, lift them up, encourage them and even heal them. People are already going through so much in their life, they need love and compassion. We are not children, we are adults; we don’t need to be acting like some self proclaimed experts with our loved ones telling them what they should be doing and how. We are not that aware nor enlightened anyway; and what’s good for us may not be good for the other.
Your time and energy matters, so use it wisely, use it to build love in the world, use it to show light not darkness on others. Within us all is a temple of god and we are here to serve that goodness; for some it may be a sleeping god, for others awakened, but nonetheless, we are here to show lightness not darkness, and use our voice and presence for good, to hold each other, raise each other, lift one another up.
As the saying goes, “if you have nothing kind to say, perhaps don’t say anything” – there’s no need to prove yourself or validate yourself by giving criticisms and judgments and unasked opinions or advices. These only distance others from you, and no relationship can be built upon such qualities and actions.
At our core essence as human beings we all want to be good people, good friends, trustworthy and supportive; and deep listening and loving mindful speech are often the beginnings that create this much needed foundation for the land of love to thrive – and for something truly beautiful to be born and blossom, with a natural sweet scent of truth and authenticity and freedom.
To know another truly for who they are is a great gift, because this also creates our bridge to them and to our inner self also; we see how connected we all are in our joys, difficulties, desires, hesitancies, tenderness, frailty, dreams, hopes and longings. When we can quiet our own minds and empty ourselves, we allow someone in more deeply; and through this deeper knowing we also deepen in our own selves, and in love.
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Cover art: Apple Blossoms by John William Hill, 1874.
