I meet a lot of women in my work with clients and one of the things they often share is that while they are really successful financially, they often attract “weak men” or that they are experiencing unhappiness in their relationships and marriage. While each person is unique and each relationship dynamic is different and there’s no one remedy that helps all, I thought that today we can dive into the topic of how feminine energy works and how it can transform the relationships, as well as the way a woman attracts towards herself that which she most deeply desires. Please be mindful that this is only general, and if you want a personal consultation with me for your specific situation and energy balancing, you are welcome to book a session through my Sacred Offerings.
One of the first things to understand is that regardless of sex and gender within relationships there will always be two polarities: yin and yang, or the feminine and the masculine. When one partner begins to move more into the yin, the other will inevitably be more yang. And while we all have both within us, as a beautiful marriage flowing through us continuously, for a woman to be fulfilled wholebodily and wholeheartedly she needs to be in her feminine yin energy. This may sound old school or traditional or not politically correct, but energy is energy, that’s just how it is, and it doesn’t need our validation.
When a woman is in her feminine energy in a healthy way, and it flows within and through her freely, she is in her natural rhythm and natural flow and all aligns in her life as if by magic. A woman can attract and even transform her current relationships just by changing her energy. This is because feminine energy transforms and is magnetic, so when a woman wants to experience her intimacy and relationships with others differently, or she wants to attract a more yang man towards her, all she needs to do is change from within aligning to her feminine energy. The rest, all externally, will inevitably reflect that. It is all about the energy, and if she is more aware and aligned she can literally transform this just by sitting still and not even doing anything.
Before we move on, let me share with you a few examples. I once had a client who complained how her husband was smoking too much inside the house and she hated it. For years she would nag him, criticize, and they’d fight a lot because of it; and the more nagging, the more he refused to quit. So when she shared that with me I asked her whether there was something in her life that she felt addicted to – perhaps watching series, drinking coffee, the gym? She said that she actually feels that she might drink a bit too much coffee each morning – not just a little European cup, but two big cups. So I proposed that she could try substituting this with either cutting down significantly, or drinking black tea instead (something appropriate for mornings as not all teas are), or perhaps even going out for a walk. And then she remembered that she back in the day she’d love running each morning! And so she did. Weeks went by, months … she was feeling great to the point that all her energy was focused on her and the nagging had stopped. She didn’t even notice that throughout all that time he had been cutting down on his smoking, and a few months later he quit completely, and had even decided to do some exercise as well.
Another example is a married woman who was the main breadwinner, and she’d constantly say how she is always taking care of finances and contributes all to their house, while her husband “just sits there and I’m so sick of him not contributing.” So we thought that perhaps she can gently tell him that she’ll be cutting down on her work because she needs to focus on her self development, on doing some yoga or pilates etc. Basically, she stopped contributing all and everything and shifted her focus elsewhere. Her husband did enjoy quite a bit their great lifestyle prior, so this change somehow inspired him to take on more hours in work, feel more motivated in his work, and he actually landed a great business deal, now making more money than he ever did before. Again – the main thing was to stop the nagging and fighting against each other, and approach the situation from the tenderness and compassionate way, shifting the energy.
When one person changes in their energy, the other will inevitably change also, and the whole dynamic will change. Obviously these are only individual examples and there is no formula that works for all – it really depends on both people.
When a client comes to me for a session regarding problems in relationships, one of the first that I’ll ask, and they’d need to be entirely honest, is whether they really love their partner and whether they really want to make things work. If not, perhaps it might be better to consider parting of ways. Also – both partners need to be willing to make it work, and the love needs to be there.
Feminine energy works in alignment to the heart – which means it needs to be out of true heart’s feelings, intentions and desires, and there needs to be emotions of love, and the woman needs to feel emotional joy out of her sacral also. Otherwise the energy may not work in the way she desired it.
And one last example is another married couple – again, she was very successful and main breadwinner, while he stayed at home taking care of their children. She had her own business and he had supported her for so long so that she could build it and have her dream job; but eventually she began feeling really sad that she wasn’t spending enough time with her children and with him. So she decided to cut down hours, they discussed it together to make sure they’ll be fine with the financial change. Now that he had more time for himself also though, he actually felt really inspired and motivated for work, started investing in stock and even built his own side business. She is still the main breadwinner (she is a great entrepreneur and that’s her calling in life and he supports it), and he is still the main nurturer (he is an amazing father, husband and lover and emotional support), and both are amazing in their individual selves, but the dynamic now is more balanced, and both feel better in their relationship.
Going back to our discussion: When a woman usually says she that attracts “weak” men, what she means by that is that he is not initiative, not stable, not responsible, not mature, not emotional available and not having much to offer her or contribute to her life – she feels as if she has to do it all by herself, and that she can’t really depend on him or rely on him because as the leaves in the wind he is just neither here nor there, not providing her any kind of stability, including emotional stability regarding his intentions, plans, feelings and aligning these with his actions and gestures. When a woman is the stronger one within a relationship, while she may feel more in control in the beginning (which is why she may choose such a man, so that she unconsciously protects herself from the potential pain of him leaving her and breaking her heart), eventually she will lose respect for him, and not feel sexually attracted to him also.
Why? Because it is her very essence that she needs to look up to a man – this is what stimulates her desire, to see him as strong and powerful and reliable – to see him as a king, as the man of her heart.
A woman needs to feel like a woman – and she needs the right man in order to feel like that because she can’t feel like a woman if she is with a man stuck in boy psychology. A woman needs to feel secure enough to admit when she is weak and she needs help, to know that she can fall into the arms of a man she trusts and surrender and take off her armour of protection so that her heart is unveiled – and when boundaries dissolve this is when the two partners deepen into intimacy.
When a woman is constantly burdened by responsibilities and needs to take care of a thousand things by herself, while her partner is not stepping up, she has no more energy to give towards anything or anyone else. She begins to live within her root chakra and as energy flows downward, she essentially takes energy from her heart and sacral chakra to feed her root. What this means is that her creativity declines, her fertility declines, her sexual energy declines, and her ability to love and to nurture declines. Her worries increase and this limits her sexual energy also.
A common thing nowadays is that women are very work-driven, success-driven, career oriented, and while a woman does need to feel fulfilled in her work – a work that becomes her primary focus related to materiality or success negatively affects her intimate relationships. These are matters connected to the masculine third solar chakra, and she begins to become more masculine in her energy when this is her primary focus. All her energy goes towards money, work, success and achievement, and she has no more energy to give towards her partner emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually. The polarity within relationships becomes one in which she is the breadwinner, while he depletes in his masculine energy thereby becoming a pushover, doesn’t initiate anything and doesn’t feel confident as a man, and he pulls back. This usually leads to cheating or separation, unless the dynamic is transformed through her decision to change her own energy – which will then inspire him to change his.
A man needs to feel needed – and he needs to feel like he can offer her something. Otherwise his ego suffers, and that’s just how it is. There is nothing wrong with a woman who works – but she needs to work something that pleases her, gives her pleasure and makes her feel happy and purposeful, rather than motivated just to succeed and be on top.
So – if you want to reconnect to your partner, stop doing everything by yourself. Ask him for help, even if it’s something little like “Can you please help me fix this on the tv channel?” Ask him to do things, and ask in a gentle way, and even if it’s something you can do by yourself which of course you can, but still ask him to do it. This will make him feel needed and like he can contribute to your life.
Many women want to over-achieve and be overly successful because they’ve been hurt before or they have wounded feminine energy or imbalanced masculine energy. This imbalance is then over-compensated by being too masculine in their energy, by doing everything and not needing anyone, and by being “strong and independent woman”. Of course as women we are strong and can do many things, if not all things by ourselves, but relationships are founded on inter-dependence. Two independent people, two alphas, will never have a fulfilling and long-lasting relationships.
A wise woman knows the art of seduction, and when to say yes and when to say no, and how to say things. Feminine energy is magnetic and it is like the egg in the womb – it just stays there and attracts. And sometimes there will be quiet times, and these are for relaxing and just being; she doesn’t freak out because there is no sperm coming towards her, she practices patience, trust and inner knowing, and waiting to respond. And then there are busy times, when there is a lot of sperm towards her, fighting for her, and you need discernment – choosing the right one for you. And perhaps not one is right, so you just say no again, and keep waiting for the right one; you open only for the right one.
So as a woman, you are the womb, you are the bottom of the wells, the mud and soils, and mystical pulling of the tides and the whispers calling you towards her; and man is the words, the prayer, the hands, the actions. He is the hands that dig for you searching you and giving to you what you desire. He is the action, he is the fire, let him, allow him.
What does that mean in the context of dating or when you meet someone new? It means you need to let him show you who he is; you need to let him plan dates, take charge and take initiative, and see if he is able to invest emotionally also. It means you need to pull back your perhaps urgency to plan things and take charge – let him do it and see how much he is able to offer and invest into you and into getting to know you. If he isn’t reliable or mature, or you can’t trust him, be sure that you won’t be able to trust him nor rely on him later on when things get bumpy in the real roads of life. If he isn’t clear in his intentions, and he is being wishy washy, well, is that what you really want?
Does he stay true to his word, does he keep his promises, is he loyal and respectful, does he have your back when you aren’t there or listening? What are his values? Is he open with his emotions towards you, is he loving and caring and giving? Can you trust him? Can you let him hold you hand and guide you forward if you are blindfold?
How does he handle conflict, uncertainty or misunderstandings? Does he lose his temper, raise his voice, or does he remain calm and centered as best as he can? Does he play little boy games with you, does he flight any time he feels insecure or project on you just to gain some sense of control and confidence? Is he able to make good decisions with clarity of mind even when things are unstable, uncertain and in the midst of difficulty in life? Does he make good choices and decisions in his life in general, what are his values and moral principles?
If you want a man, a man will act like a man from the start and he will not leave you hanging in doubts or feel unstable or insecure. When a man is in his healthy masculine energy, you will feel peaceful, stable, trusting and know his intentions – you will not wonder, doubt or feel distrustful because his energy creates a space of stability in your energy. Be mature enough to see and accept the reality as it is, to see and accept him as he is showing himself to be through his actions towards you, and don’t fall in illusions that you can ever change or fix someone.
You need someone you can trust with your life, literally. Choosing a partner is life is one of your most, if not the most, important decisions you’ll ever make, because it isn’t just a person you’re choosing, you’re choosing the kind of life you’ll live. If you are not with the right one for you, your dharma changes and your actual health and wellbeing are affected also. Don’t be afraid to be single until you find your person, and have enough self-respect not to give yourself to anyone or settle for little breadcrumbs in the meantime.
A woman needs to connect to and have balanced sacral and heart chakras especially. This means that she needs to feel connected to her creativity, emotions, sensuality, and have an open heart. An open heart allows her to love and to nurture, to be gentle and tender, to give to her beloved, to forgive and have grace, and live a life of purpose and wisdom. She needs to learn to be truly intimate, and to know to trust and to surrender, and for work needs to be one that she loves to do rather than one merely for financial reasons or achievement or rewards. She needs to be balanced in her emotions and know how to feel her feelings and express her emotions in a gentle and meaningful way – to know how to open to her beloved, how to let him in and merge with him, and inspire him to open up also.
A lot of women also have blocked throat chakras – which usually shows through their harsh speech or always needing to be right. So in their relationships they may often fight, or say “I told you so” or blame or be unable to forgive. So yes, of course you may have been right and him wrong, but a woman needs to know how to forgive and how to know the way of speaking. There is nothing to prove, and anything harsh spoken or thought only stays within your own energy and poisons you from within. Some women have problems with their thyroid or weight and that’s one of the reasons why – it’s inability to move the energy optimally and holding onto to things from inside. Harsh judgment or criticism are imbalanced of masculine and feminine energy and these can be very damaging to a woman – not just health wise but also emotionally, sexually and spiritually.
Artwork by Vicente Romero
So how can we increase our feminine energy and fall into our natural rhythm experiencing deeper intimacy and more happiness in our relationships?
You need to know how to rest and relax – hurry is a sign to the body that there is fear or coming danger or that something is not enough or lack of trust.
You need to know how to trust and surrender and have faith in God. A woman also needs to respect her man and love him as a king in devotion and integrity. She needs to be nurturing and loving towards him and her children and her family – this is what gives her pleasure within and balances her energy.
She needs to show him respect – this is so important. Do not doubt him constantly, do not judge him or put him down, trust his guidance and follow it. Of course, that comes with the assumptions that you can trust his guidance because he’s proven to you that you can. Ask him to help you with things around the house as this will make him feel more needed and purposeful. Don’t do it all by yourself, let him show you that he can show up for you.
Many people think that men are not sensitive but they are actually more sensitive than woman – and when their hearts break, they really break. It is hard for a man to fall deeply and truly and in love but once he does that’s it. And if his heart breaks the energy breaks and there’s little if at all to come back from that. For a woman it’s different – because her energy is like rubber almost – it molds and shapes, and yes, it can be pushed and hurt, but it doesn’t break. If she does her inner work and healing properly, she is able to love again even more deeply than ever before.
So take care fo your man, and your boys too if you have children, love your father and brothers, don’t think they are unbreakable just because they don’t always show their sensitive sides.
The feminine is the keeper of all wisdom, and she guides man towards fulfilling his soul’s purpose. A man may be successful on his own, but he can only achieve his greatest potential when he has the right woman beside him. She is the neck and he is the head. He needs to have clarity of mind, but she will guide him towards his connection to God and how to connect to his inner self – she is his muse and quiet spiritual wisdom who will inspire and whisper him the right path along the twists and turns of the unknown worlds where only intuition guides us.
As the keeper of all wisdom, the feminine is the one who guides and the way she does this is by noticing the beautiful qualities of the men in her life – is he a leader, a teacher, a counselor, a lover? She discern these, sees with clarity and then encourages his qualities and gifts and talents so that he can fulfill his soul’s purpose. The feminine holds great power which comes with great responsibility. If she doesn’t know herself, she will weaken and break rather than empower and expand. This is why in the mystery schools, all women had to first spend many years to know thyself.
Whatever the feminine allows it persists. What this means is she needs to have discernment. A woman is sexual, sensual, creative, nurturing, loving, generous, embracing, surrendering, trusting, gentle, tender, passionate – but – if she isn’t discerning and she doesn’t see clearly, none of the other matter. This means wisdom, self-knowledge and the ability to make the right decisions. Remember the egg in the womb – you need to know when to say no and when to say yes, and discern from all approaching you. If you want a man who can treat you well, you need to change your energy and say no to whatever doesn’t align with your desires. Don’t be afraid to be alone in the meantime. Take in the pleasure of doing nothing, the sweetness of life as it flows through your body.
Align to your feminine energy through your senses, ability to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and to give and receive pleasure, and to nurture other people and take care of their wellbeing. Without the ability to know how to nurture other people, you cannot truly love and attract the man of your heart. Take care of your home, your family, your children, and the animals, perhaps volunteer in an animal shelter or do some charity.
One of the most important things for feminine energy is to learn forgiveness and grace. This starts with your parents, so forgive them and improve your relationship with them. Parental relationships are at the core of our life – and if you haven’t healed these you need to because they are the ones that will change your energy almost immediately and your entire life will begin to align as if by magic. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to excuse bad behaviours nor abuse, but it means to open your palms and let go of the burdens you carry, and empty yourself of poisonous emotions that you are storing in your sacral chakra which are tainting all your experiences of life.
Forgiveness means having the humility that we are not God, that outside of their roles as parents in your life, they are only human with their own burdens and inner worlds. Your husband is only human also. And we all make mistakes. Practice discernment, but understand that one of our greatest spiritual lessons in this life is learning that everyone does the best they can at every moment of their life. Everyone does the best they can with what they know and what tools and awareness and understanding they have at that moment.
Focus on the waters of gentleness, tenderness, fully loving, nurturing and pleasure; take care of your body and emotions, develop clarity of mind and discernment, and be graceful. Remember that the feminine isn’t about proving herself or over-compensating, she is about attracting and then shaping and forming the paths forward through the energy of her heart and pure loving.
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