Beyond the hands of our human made clocks are the other clocks; with hands unclockable, unstrikable by us. There, time is a matter of timing.
While we may still be perceiving relationships as ways to give us pleasure, happiness or some sense of mundane purpose, the higher truth is that relationships have a spiritual purpose. They are not just kama, they are dharma. They are opportunities for a deepening, offering us what we need on our path where we currently are. There are no coincidences; and each relationship has its own unique higher purpose as well serving both people.
At different times of your life, depending on where you are on a spiritual, emotional and energy level and maturity, you’ll meet specific people who will help you, in one way or another, to come into deeper inner balance. But it is all about timing – because even if you share a soul connection with someone, you both need to be walking along the same path for the connection to be sustained.
Sometimes, you need need to walk your own paths for a while before re-connecting – just like hawks fly their solitary paths for a while but always come back to each other in spring to set their nest. Other times, you may have a specific purpose or karmic balance to complete with someone, and once completed you may go your own ways. Other relationships are stepping stones and serve as more direct mirrors for your inner self to integrate a bit more, before you meet the one to match you more completely on soul, emotion and mind level.
In astrology we see timing through mainly the transits or dasha periods. In synastry, for each partner I usually begin with what was happening when they first met and what may be the higher purpose of this connection. I then look at what is happening for each partner currently and where they each are on their individual paths; and then we move into the synastry and composite to see the long path ahead. If that long path ahead is supportive to each person’s soul development and life path, usually seen through their Navamsa charts, in most cases the two have a higher chance of staying together.
We all change continuously; and it’s not necessarily a fundamental change but it’s just our own shaping towards our true self as we come into deeper inner growth. Love is a peeler, and it peels the layers off our bark, all our false identities, masks, conditioned beliefs and limiting thoughts, in order for us to release our true fragrance. The more in alignment we are to our true fragrance, we higher the rising of our united aroma will be; because when two people are self aware and walk the path of true self and higher purpose, the relationship and intimacy are much more harmonious, supportive and fulfilling.
But – we all change along the way. Who we are in the beginning isn’t whom we’ll stay forever; and depending on what phase of life we are entering or already walking within, our horizons we look towards will change. For two people to stay together in a fulfilling way, they usually need to look towards the same horizon or be willing to accept the current life path of their partner and that priorities may be different or their focus will be different, but still choose each other and devote to supporting one another. Having said that, if the two partner have grown to the extend of having very different vibrations, it is usually very difficult to stay together because we can’t really connect to nor even understand someone of a very different resonance to us.
So let’s go through some examples.
Example 1.
The first one is a man who was married for a long time – he married his partner during a Saturn period, which for him and his unique natal chart dealt with being in service to another, karmic balance, learning commitment, devotion and selflessness and the interdependence of relationships. In his life however, his North Node was in the first house showing that ultimately the desire and focus of his soul evolution is towards autonomy and developing his individuality.
In previous lives, which is also reflected in our earlier life before our Saturn return, he was indeed very focused on relationships, and he is very good in this area of life – dealing with the otherness – as he is very compassionate, delicate and giving.
But when his Saturn dasha completed, and he entered his Mercury one, connected to his soul path of autonomy and independence and his spiritual studies, he felt disconnected from his wife and they divorced within a year. Looking at her chart though, this was for her higher purpose also and her own path of meeting her right partner to settle down with for a family; and as both of them were already very spiritually aware, the separation was of more peace and harmony.
Separation is difficult, but it is important to try to do it from a space of gratitude for how you’ve helped each other along the way. Being grateful and reflecting upon your united path is a very different way of moving forward than if you leave one another with harder feelings.
Example 2.
Next are two people who shared deep mutual soul links. This made them feel as if it was destined to meet, feeling into each other’s deeper emotional worlds and feeling spiritually connected despite time and distance. For the woman, this connection served to inspire her as it awakened her passions and desires and belief in a soul connections. For him, the connection to her was to initiate him towards his maturity, developing his sense of responsibility and his higher path in life, and through her he healed some of his trust issues as she was the only one he said he ever trusted.
However, time went by and his immaturity and impulsivity became too apparent, especially in contrast to her spiritual, emotional and intellectual maturity. His control and trust issues came to the surface, his impulsive and emotionally immature way of communicating, and his inability to make wise financial decisions contributed further to his stuck directionless path in both his work and life. In other words: he wasn’t doing his inner work and he was just at a time in his life where he wasn’t really a mature man yet. He didn’t really know where in life he was going, and the maturity imbalance became too apparent, which led her to feel disconnected from him and move forward on her own path towards her right soul partner with whom to settle down with.
He himself was disconnected from himself, and feeling like he couldn’t offer her anything played on his confidence; because no matter how a man loves a woman, if he feels like he is insecure in his life and has nothing to offer her, this makes him insecure further. The only way he could move forward was to focus on his inner world because he had a lot of work to do both internally and externally, and on a soul level he wanted to come to her when he’d have his life together and something to offer. Unless he could be a match to her energetically, no relationship can be sustained between them, especially since she was already more spiritually evolved and self aware in this connection, so she was ready and looking for the real thing. Whatever karmic impulses brought them together, it was balanced earlier on and quicker because of her spiritual awareness and embodiment of grace.
Furthermore, her darakaraka is Jupiter in her 9th house, very harmoniously aspected – which essentially shows that the partner her soul is seeking in this life is someone who can match her on spiritual and intellectual and emotional level, someone who is mature and wise, someone she can look up to as well; because she herself is a very spiritual and mature person, incredibly talented, wise and self sufficient, but she too needs someone to match her in that rather than her always being the one supporting, guiding and nurturing others.
Even in her spiritual work as a guide, she is always the guide and lantern for others, so within intimate relationships she needs someone who can be her own lantern also because Jupiter darakaraka shows having a partner whom we can look up to and trust with our life, and someone who is definitely very mature, intelligent, ethical, loyal and spiritually grounded and wise also. Because of her darakaraka, if this man wants to be with her long term and be her spouse and partner – he’d need to step into this expression of Jupiter i.e. maturity and wisdom.
Ultimately this relationship was meant for her to grow from through realizing that while she was good for him, he wasn’t good for her. Her atmakaraka is a beautiful Moon, very well aspected in her chart, and so she is a most loving, devoted and nurturing woman – always focused on nurturing others; so her soul lesson within this bond and relationships in general, was that she should never nurture others at the expense of herself, and that she needs a mature man who takes care of her and nurtures her just as much.
Being loving, devoted, spiritually mature and generous, her beautiful atmakaraka assures that she will get the spouse her soul is seeking, her soulmate, but he’ll be someone mature and nurturing and devoted to her, and give her the kind of life she deserves, but her self care in this life comes first and she needs to have higher expectations from partners never putting herself last and respecting her needs and desires; and she needs a partner who understands her sensitivity, emotional depth, romance, generosity while also giving her the space she needs for her creativity and allowing her the time for her self care as she often gives more to others, so she needs time for self care as well.
One thing to keep in mind though is that when someone is on a spiritual path and evolves through inner work and self awareness, naturally it will be harder to meet someone who can meet them on their level and feel a resonance with intimately; and a lot of times, if you are already doing your inner work you may not really need a lot of partners in and out of your life, because you are already doing that inner work and don’t need someone to mirror it to you. So if you find yourself in that kind of spiritual phase, while still desiring and yearning for an intimate partner, don’t feel discouraged if long celibate periods come, just trust the path and feel the love you already are a part of. The yearning for your soul partner is because it is meant for you, otherwise you would not have felt that desire to begin with, so it’s just a matter of time and timing for your paths to meet. Trust the timing of your life.
Another married couple were a woman and man, both of whom very creative and in the beginning of their relationship what connected them were their shared passions and interests.
He is quite introverted and loved having his own creative cocoon of solitude where he’d devote to his art; he is very talented indeed and was in the process of growing his business. This was something she always supported wholeheartedly, and helped him in all ways possible. She also always understood his need for his space, even though she herself is more social.
But the time came when she desired children, and for years he too would always tell her he did as well; however, on a soul level he hadn’t actually made a clear decision for it. Subconsciously he felt like having children would take away time from his creative solitude; and was currently going through a time period of focusing on his business and the material and success accumulation.
Even though his North Node path of soul evolution and consciousness was supportive of his becoming a father – as this was going to deepen his own devotion in this life – he was still very connected to his South Node as it was conjunct few of his major personal planets. This always put a bit of detached veil around him, and even within his relationship he’d sometimes be a bit more detached.
The way to navigate through this is having honest conversations which she initiated and for a time being they agreed on their joined path forward. In relationships we need to be very honest – firstly with ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves about where we are in life and what we need currently; and then we need to be honest with our partner and then listen to them as well – where they are and what they need.
From that space of honesty we can then decide if there is enough love holding us and how we can move forward for mutual fulfillment. Some things are not going to be compromised nor sacrificed, because when one partner wants a child and the other doesn’t, that’s usually a big change of direction for both partners. It’s either a yes or a not, or if not yet, then there needs to be honest conversation about when and if at all. We should never mislead someone in those areas of life because having children is something sacred and needs to be respected.
Honesty is key always. And in this particular situation they could make things work moving forward, he just needed to understand his own inner restraints and shift his perspective that he wouldn’t be necessarily sacrificing his creative time – he’d just reshape his devotion in a different way, but it’d still be fulfilling for him a soul level and he’d actually feel even more inspired and his business was shown to grow even more through the birth of a child.
And our last example today that I’d share is of another married couple – who experienced a whirlwind romance when they met and married within a few months changing continents to live together. They were married for over 12 years, and shared a Saturn link in their chart showing their past life connection and that a certain karmic balance was meant to happen through their union.
Somewhere around the 9 year mark, the woman entered into a spiritual time period which initiated what I called “spiritual marriage, married to god and her higher self”. She dove into her inner self and studying astrology and mysticism, and she began seeing even her physical body as an extension of her spiritual self – which in her case manifested through her desiring not just physical intimacy, she described it as desiring spiritual sex.
This spiritual devotion and marriage that she had entered into through her time period transit activation, which was in alignment to her higher purpose, had made her feel disconnected from her partner from a purely physical, emotional and mental level, because he was still in his phase of life focused on the material and planning for retirement and even their daily conversations had become disconnected. She was interested in world issues and humanitarian issues, and wanting to do more volunteering and charity and discuss the meaning of life, and seek a higher purpose; but she couldn’t discuss any of these because all he’d see through his perspective was the surface of the mundane and talk only about cars, finances and luxury vacations; and while she’s see beauty within small gestures and nature, his over-materialism, pessimism and inability to appreciate the smaller natural things in life had become too draining for her.
She had come to me after reading on her Saturn aspect in synastry and had tried to devote to her partner and rekindle their connection through the guidance I had given, but her partner just seemed very aloof and disinterested. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tried he wasn’t open nor responsive to it and she was beginning to wither in her energy also.
So here is the thing: This wasn’t just a phase for him, as in this life focusing on his material realm and being a bit more fixed in his views was something he was very attached to. Surely he could have tried to compromise and at least meet her somewhere half way, which she was more than willing to, but he found it hard to do so.
And for her, this too wasn’t just a phase that would pass by, because when a woman enters into devotion with her spiritual nature, she can’t just sacrifice this and go back to the before. She still remained very flexible and willing to meet him half way but he wasn’t and this made her feel like she wasn’t even seen for who she was nor accepted in her true self and new interests.
She understood him, but he didn’t understand her, nor was he willing to open and learn about her in the way she is now and what she is interested in. She was empathic towards him and his inner world, but he remained oblivious to her and stuck in his ways; and this was something going on for years despite her various creative ways of trying to build a bridge of connection again.
In their connection, the karmic impulses that had held them for long were beginning to loosen as they were entering a time period which showed the completion of karma; and when karmic balance comes, usually the two people may suddenly feel a disconnect because there is no longer something holding them as tightly. Furthermore, a big reason for why she was staying in the relationship wasn’t necessarily love, it was duty and a sense of guilt or owing him – but these were only the residues from the karmic impulse. And staying with someone just out of guilt or feeling of “owing them something” is not a good reason to stay because both of you will eventually feel unheard, unseen and unhappy.
Is there a mutual way forward in these situations? Well there could be if you still love each other. The first thing though is that we need to understand that love is about accepting each other for who we truly are; and it is also about freedom, allowing ourselves to be our true selves.
In their synastry and composite they had a lot of Uranus aspects, and Uranus is about a certain level of freedom, spontaneity, change and some level of distance or newness. So one way to deal with these aspects is infusing something new that would spice things up and keep the Uranus stimulated in learning and exploring and approaching each other as new lovers. But – Uranus needs both partners to be open to the explorations and newness and allowing one another the freedom to be their true selves. Uranus is about authenticity, it isn’t about feeling restricted and almost caged in.
The other thing is of course honesty – because if we are going to be looking at different directions on the horizons, we need to be truly honest about what they would be like. It is possible for two people to sit together on the porch in the evenings – one looking towards the west and the other towards the south – and still be holding each other hand in hand.
But you need to also be willing to re-explore, re-learn and re-discover one another and your changing worlds while still finding the time to meet to hold hands. It is about re-learning, re-discover and re-exploring the holding, the kissing and the caring; to hold and kiss and care for one another not in the way we always did but in the way we need to right now. But it takes both partners to do this and be open and willing, otherwise it can’t work.
And sometimes, if one is looking south and the other north, that would be quite difficult because these are opposite paths; and other times if one person grow spiritually at a quicker pace, their vibration will change and if there isn’t a match on an energy level, disconnection will enter because we don’t resonate with each other anymore. It isn’t a failure for a separation to happen; sometimes we just need to walk our own paths a while.
Other times it’s just a phase, and there are some waves in the ocean that our relationship is. When one partner is on a big wave, the other is the hands that hold them; and then vice versa. We all change within in one way or another, change isn’t bad, it is necessary and actually fun – and it doesn’t mean we have to disconnect always, we just learn to grow and evolve within the ring of love and union, rather than outside of it.
So the key is just being open to understanding your partner’s world and where they are, understanding your own, and of this new honesty, devoting to hold each other in the way you need to and exploring and re-exploring each other’s inner worlds, which can actually be a very creative way to approach one another and re-kindle things. Perhaps you’ll even create a new land of your relationship, as within one marriage there are usually a few – with each new phase we learn new ways of connecting and communicating, while still remaining in the humility and respect that each of you also has your own unique dharma you may be pursuing and focusing on.
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Cover art is by Henri-Jean Guillaume Martin.
