And when your man asks to know you, tell him, reveal to him. Tell him your wisdoms, desires and mystical secrets. Tell him not because – tell him because his soul asked you to.
I admit. Us women can be quite non-sensical creatures. At least that’s how it seems. We can laugh and then cry, we can be shy and simultaneously look like we rule the world, we can engage in the most tender love making with our partner and then five minutes after have the dirtiest sex with them. It’s hard to know us. And of course part of that knowing is accepting that there will always be parts of us, and of our partners, that will remain unknown and wild. But on a deeper level, in order for us to truly connect to someone, we all need to feel seen and known for our true selves as much as possible. Because love is a knowing and of being known, a seeing and of being seen, a knowing not of flesh but through the flesh.
Many women might say that their partners don’t want to know them, or that they have tried to be understood but it just doesn’t happen. Well, yes, some men don’t want to learn, don’t want to explore, and these are not the kind of men you’d want to walk life with anyway. And while a rarity, there are those that do want to learn you, explore you, re-explore you, and are willing and are open. For them you must reveal.
To the man of our heart, who is willing to learn and explore all our skin and all the parts within, we must tell him, teach him, unveil to him. This is what sustains long-term relationships also: the willingness to learn, to stay curious, to explore and re-explore the holding, the caring, the kissing, no matter how many years we’ve been together. And a man opened to learning is the best lover you’ll ever have anyway. So here is a language. Our language.
The body of a woman is a land. Earth. Good mud, moist soil. She is nature itself. She is wildlife. She is both virgin moon and a wild gypsy night. And beyond the physical wildlands, are the other pathways – the wild, unnamed, untamed: her soul. There lie her desires, her dreams, her knowings, her mystical secrets and ancient wisdoms. Her unique emotional and spiritual wildlands. But like all lands and physical pathways, her earth is vulnerable to overbuilding, overwatering and under-feeling. It needs appreciation. It needs to be seen and known.
The unnamed, untamed lands awaken within her through her instinctual body wisdom, innate deeper knowledge and intuition. Her wild is what dreams her forward, and becomes a conduit to spirit itself. This wild is our soul, our true nature, our innermost essence. It is from this place that we express who we truly are, it is our truth.
A wild woman seeks her wild man. She wants the one who will cover her with his wildness, with his heart and with his truth.
The paradox of women’s nature comes from their innate duality of nature. There is our outer being and then there is our interior.
Our outer is more easily observable, though changeable, leaving occasional question marks on the faces of our partners. Perhaps sometimes the only way to know where we are going is by tuning into our sensitivity, into our movements, into the twists and curves of our body, and the subtlety of our tone and carefully selected words. But in general, we are often outer-ly looking somewhat pragmatic, security-oriented and very human.
Our interior is different. It lives somewhere in a world not easily seeable. We can be in a cave deep into the midnight forest, or at the bottom of a well. It surfaces at its own timing, only to disappear sometimes as quickly and as mysteriously as it came, but it always, always, leaves behind a feeling, a scent, something powerful and knowing, something unmistakable and unforgettable.
And then there’s the heat.
It’s the being that lives in the underground of our natural lands. This beautiful creature is our sensory nature, our sensual self, and like all wild creatures it has its own natural timing and nutritive cycles. This being is desirous, relational, connected, intuitive, curious, bonding, both primitive and longing to be tamed. It is responsive and deeply sensitive to all that involves the senses: sounds, tastes, scents, movements, textures, temperatures, skins, eye gazing, peace, quiet, beauty, desire, fireflies, and darkness.
It is this underground aspect of a woman’s interior that has heat. But it is not only sexual desire, primitive and raw passions, it is sensuality, eroticism. It is an aliveness, a vitality, that goes beyond all boundaries of the rational, and enters the realms of infinite power and pleasure. It is mysticism. It is memory. Woman is mystic. Woman is memory itself. But like all underground fires, it has cycles too. It has various speeds and movements and shapes. It has highs and lows, fasts and slows. Our heat is not a state of sexual arousal – it is more than that: it is a state of intense sensory awareness and attunement to sensitivity, that includes our sexuality too, as well as all and everything else. In a way, it is our life force.
With this heat, we feel embodied and keep ourselves warm. This is also where our creativity is, where our divine is, and it is through these creative fires that we become inspired, expressive, artistic, poetic, lyrical and dancing.
Women’s sensory, sensual and creative expression have been shamed for many centuries and we’ve learned to keep it hidden, in our underground. We are either virgins or whores, naughty or nice, blonde or brunette, priestesses or mistresses, mothers or lovers, wives or courtesans, saints or temptresses. Sacred versus sexual. Sacred versus sensual. Sacred versus dirty. The truth is: we are both, and all, simultaneously. We can engage in long love making sessions with our partner, and then have dirty animal sex with them right after. And vice versa. Again. Sometimes we are dirty goddesses like the Greek goddess Baubo, who along with her sexual liberty of expression was also the goddess of laughter – for laughter, and I mean good ol’ belly laughter, is a true liberation of our underground fires.
However we are and feel, there is nothing to feel ashamed about. This is what sacred sexuality is for a woman: to stay in her truth, rooted deeply in her core, and embrace all of her parts, no matter what they are, to embrace all of her cycles, because they all need to be honoured. We don’t have to fit any categories or immovables, our natures are changeable and this is beautiful, precious, and sacred in itself. We wax and wane. We laugh and cry. We repulse and surrender. And yet the waning holds the waxing, and the waxing holds the waning. These are the cycles of our land.
When we are made better, more generous, more sensitive, it is sacred. When we feel more alive, more joyful, more fulfilled, it is sacred. When we feel more conscious of love, and more living in love, and more giving of love, it is sacred. The sacred and the sexual, the soul within the physical and the emotional, it is all one land for us. And we live there all together.
And so, simultaneously our two sides, our outer and our interior, live together even if unconsciously or unseen – we can be cool toned while hot feeling, we are deeply lingering while separating, we are bonded in emotion and surrendered in love while also repulsing, we are present while away, we are committed while free, we are ecstatic and yet longing, yearning, for the I don’t know. We are a conjunction, a syzygy, the marriage of sun and moon. A sweet sunlight on bared salted skin at the beach, while also the scent of the back legs of the wild red fox leading us into the night. We are sunny and joyful, while being wistful and deeply longing.
We need to first know ourselves before we can tell our chosen one who we are. These two sides of us can find their language, a translation of both of their uniqueness to come in deeper knowing. Both sides must be honoured. Both sides must be treasured and expressed. The human and the instinctive. The ego and the spirit. Our sweet loving, and our wild animal. Our animal learns to not be tempted by all superficial seductions, and our human learns to loosen the tight strings and fabrics that hold us back in life. Both have important knowings, and teachings, and there is much to learn when they understand each other.
As children we give names to our toys and dolls, and through that, subconsciously, we become more connected to them. Well, some adults give names to their big toys also, such as their yachts and cars. Name giving is actually a very important tradition and ceremony in many Indigenous tribes and old cultures from around the world. Children do this authomatically because they have a greater connection to spirit, the supernatural world and their psychic senses. To build a deeper connection to something, to anything in life, we just need to spend time with it, notice it, and build respect towards its true nature. Learning the wordless languages allows us to be in continuous dialogues with the sacred parts of life, and relate to all and everything surrounding us more deeply.
When we name something – we acknowledge it, honour it, and it feels seen. And it becomes a part of us. And as part of us, we become its family, its wholeness, and we care for it, we nurture it.
Naming anything in life, whether force, creature, animal, thing, person, has many meanings and significances. When we name feelings and emotions, we are better able to integrate them and connect to our emotional selves. When we name anything, it shapes before us almost in a tangible way, so we can explore it and learn its unique language and need. In some cultures, names were very carefully chosen, and to know someone’s name was to know their life’s path and unique soul’s expression. This is why they would even guard their names, keep them secrets, and only share them with those who truly loved them.
To say a person’s name is almost like making a wish or a blessing over them each time our lips open and our tongues pronounce their name. To say our beloved’s name especially while love making is one of the sweetest and most intimate gestures in these moments. We speak them into and through our body. And it is known, it is only they for us.
In this way of naming, it is important to acknowledge and honour what we want and what we desire, and speak it. We can’t understand one another otherwise. When we finally find the one, the man of our heart, whose soul desires our soul, and ours his, and he is willing and open and responsive to us, as he should and must, we must open to him and allow him into ourselves, into the soul of our matter. We gently guide him along our unique physical, emotional and spiritual wildlands, by teaching him. And when he is responsive to us, we will feel seen, heard and known.
There are two questions to ask one another: What do you want? and What do you desire in your deepest self?
And then listen, really listen. Listen with a kindness of rhythm, clarity and respect. Listen not to what we want to hear, but to what the other is truly saying, feeling and needing at this moment.
When it comes to sexual desire, it is important for couples to share how they feel at the moment and what turns them on. Instead of saying, “You turn me on when …” you can say, “I am turned on by …”. Perhaps you are in a more sensitive, romantic mood today, so rather than getting it on with dirty talks when your partner initiates it, and then being passive aggressive about it, you can just let them know how you feel and what you need: “I am in a more sensitive mood today, so what I’d be turned on by is more sharing, closeness, romance, emotions, tenderness.”
Research has shown that it is actually women who get bored with monogamy much faster than men. Desire for women is based on mystery and emotional connection; it is a seduction art that begins from the end of the last orgasm. And that’s something that is harder to be understood by their partners since desire for men can be felt differently, without much foreplay. But for women it is a seduction that can last even months. It is similar to what is known as pacing in the animal world. You come close but not too close, there is surrender and repulsion, there is a dance. We must be willing and open to understand our own needs and desires, our own inner languages, to be able to communicate them, and then be willing and open to listen and understand those of our partner.
For any relationship to work there must be three elements: silence, respect and sharing. In his book “Animal Speaks” Ted Andrews writes that, “Relationships teach us silence. Silence enables us to listen and to experience the relationship as it truly is. It enables us to know when to speak and act for the greatest benefit. Relationships also teach us respect for other lives, and to only take that, which is truly needed. Relationships also teach us sharing. They teach us how to live in the world with one another.” And then there must be gratitude – because it is through gratitude that we acknowledge the connection, the bridge between that has been built and will now be strengthened through our devotion and commitment.
So find yourself the man who wishes to learn you, who is willing to explore you, again and again and again. Someone who will re-explore the kissing, the holding and the caring. Someone who will kiss you not the way he always did, but the way you need to, right now. And you’ll find that every road and path you’ll pave beautifully forward together no matter how dry the land, no matter how dark and foreign the horizons become. Our greatest adversary sometimes is the refusal to learn beyond our moment.
Deep love is the allowance to be stirred entirely by the wildish soul of our partner. And this means: we’ll be changed by love. Nowadays few people allow themselves such bravery. Because of fear that we’ll lose ourselves, and so many protective walls are built. Walls to prevent ourselves to be dissolved in the depths of another soul. And that’s understandable: walls are there for a reason. We need our armours too. But we also need a heart’s discernment to know for whom and when to take it off. Who is worth coming in. Because love demands divisions to be dissolved, it demands merging, it demands you to surrender to the fertile wetness of its deep soil. There, a new soul will be born. A soul of love. The soul of your relationship.
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Cover art by Marie Oakey Dewing, Rose Garden (1901), via Wikimedia Commons.
