For as long as we are in physical bodies, we will have physiological needs that are deeply ingrained in our being. And leading a conscious and aware life isn’t about transcending those needs, as much as it is about integrating them within our being first. Many people might wonder why women like alpha males, firefighters, and the “knights in armours”. The underlying reason is that it relates to women’s needs; because what women really need, on a very basic natural biological level – is to feel safe, protected and provided for.
Women don’t want to be saved – but they need to feel safe.
On a physical level, a woman will be attracted to men who are exibiting their healthy masculine qualities such as being initiative, confident, reliable, responsible, accountable, loyal, trustworthy, protective, generous, courageous, strong, considerate and giving. She needs to know that he will not only protect her, but will also provide for her offspring.
Consciousness is comprised of blending the feminine with the masculine energy, yin and yang, receptive and initiative. Each one of us carries both within us, regardless of our gender of course but in this article i want us to apply this within the context of relationships. Masculine energy, symbolized by yang, daytime, fire and the upward triangle, is the go-getter; generous, giving, courageous, strong, loyal, providing, initiative and protective. Feminine energy, symbolized by yin, nighttime, water and the downward triangle, is receptive, inward, creative, gentle, empathetic, compassionate, introspective, patient, healing and nurturing. Together, they come to merge and conceive, in a sacred union; a lover’s dance. This is our universe.
We can also see this in the chakras. The root chakra carries more masculine energy, which is why the male’s genital organ is outward, where as the vagina is inward. On the other hand, the sacral chakra is more feminine, carrying the energy of creativity, fertility, sensuality and emotions, and this is why female tummies are usually more rounded than men’s. Since energy flows downward, any time a woman doesn’t feel secure or safe or provided for (issues of the root chakra), she draws energy from the sacral; which leads to less creativity, sexuality, intuition, fertility, sensitivity attunement and overall decrease of feminine energy. She starts to armour up and negate the very essence of who she truly is. A simple trick for women is to always have some cash or savings around the house, so that this gives them some sense of stability. And please, walk away from anyone who makes you feel unsafe, unseen, disrespected, etcetera.
In our world today, there is a lot of unhealthy masculine and unhealthy feminine energy – and I believe it is because we are not, on a collective level, following our true needs and essence of our being – and as such, the polarity has been reversed. In a way, we are forced to be something we are not, go against our nature, and this creates problems in relationships. For example, when masculine energy is unhealthy, overused or unbalanced, people become critical, judgemental, angry, controlling, dominating, irrational, possessive, jealous, abusive, materially obsessed, unaffectionate and emotionally cold. And if masculine energy is unbalanced – then automatically, the feminine energy will be unbalanced, as both are part of one, within and without.
When a woman is with a man who doesn’t make her feel safe, protected and lacks other healthy masculine traits, she will inevitably feel alone. This in turn will make her feel that all the pressure is on her and she will start armouring up. Eventually this may lead to repulsion, loss of respect, or passive aggressiveness towards her partner. “Why would she need him anyway, if she is already providing for herself? Why would she nurture him in her femininity, gentleness and sensuality if all her energy is focused on her root chakra?”
Women need to feel safe, and this refers to both emotional and physical safety.
Fear is almost woven into a woman’s biology. On average, women are far more anxious than men, which is due to biological mechanisms, hormonal fluctuations and brain chemistry; this is just part of the physiology and neurology of women. There have also been countless research and studies on this topic, so I encourage you to learn more about this on your own. In one study they found that the number one fear of man was to be ridiculed and for women – it was violence. And in another study: if you fill a room with random men and women, and ask them to raise their hands if they ever feared for their life – some men would raise their hands while all the woman would raise theirs. If you then ask, “have you feared for your life in the recent year?” – almost all men will lower their hand, yet almost all women will continue to have her hand up. “How about the last month?” – most women’s hands are still up. This is a shock for most men because they just really don’t understand this. Moreover, it may also be a shock to some women – because they are so used to living in fear, that they never even realize they have been living with it. Another reason is that we often suppress the emotions of fear and just tell ourselves other “truths” that are more soothing. These studies often trigger some women and the reason for that is that we usually resist parts of our own shadows that we haven’t acknowledged yet. These studies in no way imply that women are scared, fragile creatures, and while statistics should always be taken with a grain of salt, they portray interesting insights that we might use for our own awareness.
Fear is something that we all experience but there are differences between the genders based on many factors, including both our neurological responses and physiology. For a woman – aside from her biology, it is often times a baseline experience of her life whether she is conscious of it or not and has been carried through the generations, parts of which are in her DNA. Any repression, oppression and wounding that has been experienced and unhealed in her ancestral line by the women in the family, is carried through her own memory in her energetic field – which is also what some people call “ancestral karma”. But that’s a whole different topic. Women’s fears multiply when she has people that she loves such as her children, partner and parents. The experience of simply crossing the street or riding in an elevator is entirely different on a physiological level between the genders. You can also research studies on fear responses and differences, and you will see this for yourself. For example, high stress situations cause most men to be less afraid; on average, they do not perceive themselves to be powerless, and so they don’t go inward – they usually become angry and proactive, externalizing the anxiety. But for women – high stress situations causes them to feel more afraid. They begin to shrink on an energetic level too, even if externally they may seem strong and proactive.
Aside from biology and research – this world is just not safe for women. And if you think it is – then consider yourself really lucky that you’ve been well guarded throughout your life. There are countless social issues happening in our world including femicides in developed countries, which are often uncovered in the mainstream media. All you have to do is just look at statistics, do some research and be aware of what is going on globally. Human trafficking and gender-based violence are not third world issues – it is a major issue in Canada and the USA, including big cities such as Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. So is abuse, which is often unreported. On average, nearly 20 people are physically abused every minute by their partner in the United States. Calculate how many millions this is. And on a worldwide basis: 75% of women experience some form of abuse at least once in their life.
From evolutionary psychology we know that women need to feel safe and it is precisely the human instinct to survive that will keep them attracted to men who portray qualities of virility, courage, protection and strength. On a subconscious level this instinct within us implies that we will want to stay close to the knowledge of how to survive and an environment which would protect us in times of possible danger and harm. This almost animal attraction and desire that we feel for some men is more about the qualities that they arouse in us, such as safety and protection; and any time they show us their perseverance and ability to fight for us and provide for us, in a loving and trustworthy way, we’d feel attracted to them. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how hot that man is – a woman needs, on a very basic biological level, to feel safe and protected and she will always be attracted to a man who exhibits healthy masculine qualities.
The reason why I am talking so much about fear is because many women spend their lives living with it, without even realizing it. It is important for all of us human beings to realize and acknowledge the fears that we have, so that we can release them. Through that awareness, we would be able to make more conscious decisions in our lives, rather than have unconscious intentions dominate our choices. Wanting to have a strong partner by our side doesn’t mean that we are weak or that we can’t handle life – of course we can and we already are. But there is inequality which is not just social but also biological, and it is absolutely natural to want to have our needs met.
Emotional safety and holding the space.
Safety also refers to emotional safety. Creating emotional safety between the partners is absolutely crucial for long-lasting healthy relationships. Applying this to our topic, this means that a woman needs to feel that her partner is emotionally stable and mature; he is able to be emotionally open and expressive, while allowing her to be her true self also. Deep love is based on authenticity and heart-soul connection. Intimacy itself means “into-me-see” and we can’t truly be intimate with someone without opening up to one another in a safe space. Vulnerability is the key to intimacy and again – we need to feel safe and trust the other person. All of us humans, regardless of gender, experience a depth of feelings, and this doesn’t mean that “men should always be a rock and never feel negative things”. We all feel a range of emotions and we’ll be each other’s rock throughout life; but what emotional intelligence means is that despite the “bad” times we will find a way to deal with it rather than suppress, oppress it and slip it under the rug, just so that we look “strong, courageous men”. Emotional safety requires empathy, trust, validation and acknowledgment of our partner’s feelings, thoughtful body language, selflessness, and deep listening. Women need partners who give them a sense of emotional stability in that they know how their partner feels about them, rather than being indecisive, absent and emotionally closed-off.
A woman needs to have a safe space contained for her, where she can grow and thrive in her true gentle self. This is how she will blossom and be able to nurture more her partner and children. If she doesn’t have that safe space contained for her, she will feel exposed and vulnerable to all threats in this world.
For a single woman, she should find and provide this for herself, in her home and body. For example, she should try to have a safe and peaceful space where she lives and that she always has some saved money close to her to feel that sense of security.
Containment is not a limitation in this case; it is a safe nourishing space allowing someone to exist and grow in their natural being and expression. This is like the rose we plant in our garden or the pearl in its shell. A rose is a rose is a rose, yet all roses are unique because of the environment that they grew in. We are all interdependent and this is such a beautiful thing; our entire world and universe are also interdependent. There is nothing wrong with needing one another so that we can thrive. We are here to experience ourselves through relationships, and everything in life is a relationship.
The shell and the pearl.
A common symbolism of the intertwining of the two energies is the shell and the pearl. The masculine energy serves as the shell and when that protective shell is gone in any shape or form, the woman will immediately contract within herself and go into a state of defense or rigidity. This is a coping mechanism rather than a natural state of contentment. Very few women can live in that state for too long, and when they do – this will lead to an overall decrease in wellbeing and joy in the long-run. The imbalance in their feminine energy will lead them to be angry, resentful, critical, aggressive, chronically stressed, bitter, judgmental, neurotic, and emotionally numb or cold. In turn – this will cause the men to feel suppressed, distant and unneeded by their partner. This is the reverse of polarity that causes many problems in relationships, and within the self as well.
On the other hand – a lot of women who think they are living in a “safe space and are taken care of by their partners” – are actually living in restrictive, controlling and abusive environments. Controlling behaviours have very subtle signs and are often times the first step towards abuse. It is important to be educated on these topics, so that we are more aware and discerning. Many people stay in toxic relationships and environments, mistaking love and caring for control and possession.
A beautiful balance comes when the man is able to provide safety, stability, honour, protection and trust – and the woman then surrenders in his love and safe embrace. They can enhance one another’s true selves and states of being. In this space, the woman can share more of her love, tenderness, nurturing, openness and caring for her partner. A healthy feminine partner would allow the other to feel seen, nurtured and understood, which would invite him to step into his direction, protection and conscious leadership. Of course, this implies that both are in that healthy mature vibration. You can read my article on The Love Dance: Feminine and Masculine Energy.
A woman needs a man who is trustworthy.
Trustworthiness is the ultimate definition of safety because trust is the remedy for fear. If a woman feels that she can trust her partner, this means that she can rely on him for her protection and safety. For someone to be “trustworthy” – we need to feel that we can rely on that person to act in our best interest. And to know our best interest we need honest communication, emotional safety and attunement.
Attunement means to be in harmony. For example, if we are sensitively attuned – it means we are in harmony with our feelings and as such, can tune into other people’s feelings without confusing them for our own, and without projecting onto them our own. Attunement is a being of one with something; of integration, i.e. no resistance. Deep love is based upon seeing the true self of another person; we need to be attuned to them, which means we need to see them, hear them, understand them and communicate with them in the way they need to, as they truly are and not as we want them to be. You don’t have to be an empath, but you can learn about another by intentional and deep listening. This requires devotion, effort, paying attention, and a real commitment to being completely trustworthy.
When a man is attuned to a woman’s needs, he will understand better her inner world, and that she often lives in emotional and physical states of fear, thereby needing safety, security, reliance and protection in her life. His priority would become her safety and helping her to feel safe with him. Otherwise, due to his different perception of life and his own unique physical and biological experience of life, he may dismiss or minimize her emotions and feelings, distract her from them, invalidate them and eventually this misunderstanding will create distance, disconnection, separation or worse yet – a decrease in wellbeing. Moreover, the woman starts to be emotionally detached and physically detached, leaving the man wondering why. She will also eventually lose respect for him and find him repulsive. For a woman to feel emotionally open and sexually aroused, she needs to feel good and have the safe environment where she can lean into her feminine self, and be vulnerable enough to express herself wholly. We all need a space or a person in our life with whom we can truly surrender ourself for a moment, let go of all burdens, and just be at peace with complete trust. Also – when a man is not emotionally available for his partner, this not only makes him untrustworthy, but it also causes the woman to feel alone and unsafe.
A man attuning to a woman’s needs and providing that trustworthy space for her, would also deepen the emotional connection in the relationship.
This leads to deeper love.
My dear woman, remember that you are not just choosing a partner – you are ultimately choosing the kind of life you will live. Honour your needs and feelings, and accept them. Follow your body’s knowing because the body always knows how it feels around someone. And never ever settle for anything less than what you truly desire and need, whatever that is for you.
There is an eternal dance, the dance of lovers, ever intertwined, ever together, merging and repulsing and merging again. This is life. This is love. Commit to love, within and without. Because love, true love, is a sense of being; always moving within us, even when our feet and hands aren’t. This natural flow of energy demands respect, attention, trust, and only when we accept it and honour it, we would be able to dance better.
Love is the song of alchemy; opposing forces of water and fire perfectly align together. And somehow it always makes sense, as this sacred union, as we, become the sweetest elixir of everlasting life.
May we have the trusting arms, worthy enough to fall into; surrendered fully into love.
May we be held, not restricted; may we stay not because we must, but because we want to.
May we love one another completely, and protect one another, and our love, together, always.
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Cover Art by Margarete Petersen.