We set out in search of internal fulfilment, only to find our truth and light within. There is no more reason to search outside for neon lights and sparkles; no more need to seek external stimulations as all we need is satisfied by ourselves.
So what’s this journey inside – to find our Truth? We need courage and trust in ourselves – in the days and nights where we are led through the dark scary realms of our own shadows; to find and integrate the dragon in us. But the moment comes when the transforming light of inner clarity fills us and we start walking our Truths more fulfilled than ever before.
We walk our roads by our own drum and are not satisfied with the superficialities of the masses. We enter only into those relationships which offer us union on deeper levels; and if not, we’d prefer walking alone.
Living a life of truth is absolutely crucial for our wellbeing. We need to learn to listen to our body and what it is telling us through our feelings and emotions. It is always signalling when something is not good for us anymore; when we are not happy. And when we are not in alignment with our inner Truth, our physical body is affected also. Choosing to be happy is not a crime. It is not wrong to walk away from people and situations that are just not working out for you anymore. It’s okay to say “no”. Don’t guilt trip yourself – because guilt invites self-punishment, often disguised as entering into unhealthy relationships just because we want to hurt ourselves further – guilt is a very subtle manipulator. Let it go.
It sucks being honest though, I know. Because sometimes that means having to sit next to your partner and tell them that you don’t want to be with them anymore. And then, you have to continue to sit there in the hurt that’s just been caused with the honesty, witness their hurt and witness your own; and then continue alone letting go of your previous known life. But don’t we owe honesty to others? And how can we be honest with them if we are not first honest with ourselves?
To live in a lie is a much bigger pain. And one day it will hurt your body so much that you’ll just have no other way but to speak it and face it. No matter the cost, no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Standing in our truth is about being honest with our intentions, values, projections, resistances and projections. Being truthful to ourselves requires courage. You see, the thing about truth is that once we admit it to ourselves, we’ll have to make a decision – and oh, how much we actually hate making decisions which change our lives, in a fundamental scary unknown way. Like the time I had to tell the man I was with for ten years that I can’t marry him and I am just not happy with him anymore. And then I had to sit beside him in the pain I had just caused him, beside my own pain which was gut wrenching. Though the decision has years overdue and I was the one that initiated it – this didn’t make it easier. It made it harder because then I had to deal with feelings of guilt and making someone suffer – because God knows I’d rather suffer myself than be the cause of someone else’s pain. And then there were periods of being afraid to even wake up in the morning because I had no idea who I was – I was mourning not just the end of a decade of memories and my future scattered into pieces across the floor – but I was mourning the loss of myself; of a big chunk of my life and my identity. I had completely lost myself and had to find myself all over again.
And then there’s another thing. Once you step into one truth and make the first decision, then you just can’t go back and will be forced to make a whole bunch of other decisions (just as hard) that would take you on a scary unknown ride – which usually means starting from the bottom. Or letting go of yet another identity like my Masters Degree and go rogue not knowing what I’ll do – all I knew was I couldn’t not do someone my heart didn’t want anymore. I just physically couldn’t do it – my entire body went on a strike.
These are hard decisions. The thing about change is – we usually want “the other” thing or person to change, not we to change.
There is uncertainty with admitting our truths. In a way, we renounce the security of our known life; of the familiar roles we have built but have now ran their course. We are forced to set aside the masks that keep us safe, and see ourselves with clarity; see not the others, but see ourselves. If we are not happy in a situation, why are we staying in it? What kind of story are we re-playing? Behind what role are we hiding just to feel a false sense of security?
We always change and that’s okay. Our truths are not absolute and concrete neither. They’ll change as well. We can’t live in self-made confinements and rigidity. Masks are there to protect us, yes, but when does protection become separation?
Separation from our own Self, that is.
How much liberated we can be when we align to our truth within; to cut through the surrounding (illusionary) clouds into clarity and openness.
Ask yourself, what old roles and behavioural patterns are no longer making you feel happy and you need to separate yourself from?
What roles are you attaching your identity to?
Who are you anyway?
Are you your house, your degree, your career, your success, a significant other?
What “role” gives you stability even though it is no longer working for you within?
Truth seeking must be compassionate. We need to admit it to ourselves in a compassionate way – what are our intentions, values, needs, desires, shadows, stimulations, projections and resistances. And once we come to find our truth within, we need to settle into the vulnerability of it, whatever that may be, and find acceptance within ourselves – to expand beyond the conditions and limitations of ourselves – with compassion.
When we do know ourselves exactly as we are, with all good bad beyond the identities – then and only then, would we know what is ours and what isn’t; to be able to stay clear in our truth like the root of a tree, rather than be swayed around like leaves in wind. We’ll have emotional perceptiveness and mastery.
And this births the road towards our real self-trust.
And this in return, makes us live a life of more integrity towards ourselves and towards others.
We would no longer use others to replay old narratives or pains, we would no longer need to fill voids within ourselves and would only choose relationships based on our heart’s truth, we would no longer lead people on because that’s fucked up and my skin crawls thinking of all the people who do that, we’ll be more discerning and make better decisions. Clarity while sometimes painful is what liberates us.
Truth requires trust.
If we honestly trusted ourselves – we wouldn’t doubt or resist our truths because we’d know that we are perfectly capable and stable in who we are and how we’ll deal with life as it comes. In my article “The Importance of Receiving and Interdependence, as Reminded by The Monk’s Alms” I say that if we truly trusted life or God or the universe, then we’d know that it finds a way somehow to channel through the right people on our path who will support us; that we can, in fact, survive without our “control”.
Trust requires courage. And what is courage? It is trusting with fear. There is no courage without fear; in fact, the only reason courage exists as a word is because there first was fear.
I am currently in some creative jungle. This doesn’t pay much. And I have many fears. Besides the constant self-doubt about whether or not I am good enough or wondering what am I even doing anyway, I am also scared sometimes. I am scared about money for example – but I realize that I might as well be scared doing what my heart wants than be “safe” on the wrong path.
Acknowledging our fears and understanding it gives us clarity on our intentions. We should ask ourselves: If I am doing my work just because I am afraid of what would happen if I didn’t, is fear the reason for my work? If I am staying in a relationships because of fear to be alone, it is love that I am building the foundation of the relationship on? We need to be clear on our intetions and there is nothing wrong with admitting our truth – it will give us then the choice to make the decision to live a better life.
It is human nature that we are afraid of the unknown – because we can’t control it and it makes us feel powerless. We need to control so that we feel safe; because we are afraid, terrified and this is how we protect ourselves.
We are also afraid of our power and potential – because it’s much easier to fail or just not try. There are no expectations after “failure”, in fact you can then climb up and be seen as a hero. There are no expectations after not trying, in fact we can have a whole bunch of stories of “I could have” and “what ifs” just to satisfy our bubbles of dreams; or have yet another excuse of blaming someone or something else for our own unhappiness. We love complaining, blaming – again, keeps us safe.
Do you know what anxiety is? It is essentially a self-defense mechanism. It is feeling a high sense of worry and fear from something horrible to happen that’s unknown – and so we keep ourselves at this high level vibration of worry and fear, so that when this horrible thing happens, we won’t be jumping from 1 to 100 – we’ll already be at a 100 vibration – so essentially, we’ll be safe in our fear, safe from experiencing new pain or fear. What about the self-destruction instinct? It is stronger than the survival instinct; we destroy happiness to save our pain because pain is more familiar, more known, more comfortable, more controllable because there is nothing to lose and we are not dependent on someone else to destroy us first. This is also self-sabotage. And yes, it all starts from childhood – so, living in our Truths demands us to dissect our childhood so that we are self-aware and understand how our mind works.
But it goes even deeper. Sometimes we stay in our pains and fears, because if we let go of that we’d subconsciously think we are abandoning that hurt scared child in us who experienced that. That’s not true, dear one. It’s okay to feel happy and walk away from things that are not good for you – you are not abandoning or dishonoring your past experience by allowing yourself to experience something new; by being happy in a situation that values and appreciates you.
Our minds have become very clever and subtle at keeping ourselves safe.
It is crucial to find the stability within ourselves. We need to become the roots of the tree – because once that hurricane comes and strips all bare – what then? All we’ll have is ourselves. No more identification with external safety nets.
Having spent all these years now not having the stability of my own money and other things to identify my own security and value and self-worth outside of myself with – has actually become a blessing. It has challenged me to settle into the humility of what value and worth and stability actually means for me. I thought about money – what it means, about value and worth. And how the lack of money or any other external material things that we tie our identities to – actually forces us to look within for our value and how we contribute, how our giving and receiving is not necessarily found in paper bills but in emotional support of others as well – in our caring and kindness which by the way, is priceless for others. And that worth and value, can never come from the material – it needs to have its roots within us – no amount of material things can make us feel more worthy – it’s just temporary balloon tricks to fool ourselves.
It’s okay not to know it all. We were never meant to know it all anyway.
We can’t define ourselves by external things, circumstances and people.
We need to stand strong in our values and yet be flexible and innovative and creative.
We need to trust ourselves.
Trust with fear.
Fear is valuable. But it is up to us and our unshakeable belief in existence, and in ourselves, which allows us to be aware of fearful feelings but not succumb to them being their victim. And in this realization – we are liberated. Embracing fear – we choose to go forward – and this is what makes us courageous.
And what is freedom if we never knew fear? How would we allow ourselves to be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to accept fear – to hold fear’s tiny frail hand like that of a child’s and tell it, “It’s okay.”
You see, freedom and fear always hold hands. They share a life long relationship. As children they run and challenge each other – jumping across rooftops and climbing trees, they are scared but free to feel the wind in their hair. Then, as teenagers they form a kind of Shakespearean romance – they share a deep passion – each ready to die for the other because they begin to realize that they actually cannot exist without the other.
And so, freedom and fear grow together. Like an old married couple they fight and pull apart, sometimes they even sleep on different shores. But they learn to accept each other for what they are. They learn to accept that somehow they will always coexist – and that’s okay. They’re grateful for one another – for the long roads they’ve walked together learning who they are because of the other.
And it is this acceptance and gratitude reminding us that each feeling is purposeful – that whenever we reject a feeling, we essentially reject and abandon ourselves – that we essentially let go of the hand of a child.
We live in a society, which continues to promote states of fear and separation under the disguise of “togetherness”. Don’t fall for this propaganda. When we are in continuous states of fear induced my media, politics, etcetera – this induces unconscious states in us which cause disconnection; disconnection from ourselves and from others. And we become more vulnerable to being controlled and stagnant; and we become like robots waiting for some validation from external things and people. That’s unfair. When we deceive ourselves, we also deceive others. That’s unfair. Some people are at war with themselves and will battle themselves through you; they will re-play their wounds and old narratives through you; and they will lash out at you the moment you don’t fit into their biased dilusional projected version of reality – all because they don’t know themselves and don’t live in their truth with awareness and self-responsibility. Do not be like that and do not be with people like that.
Allow yourself the freedom to live in your heart’s truth; and always in compassion. Walk the road of your own drum and become the root of your tree. Connect only to what’s true for you and your happiness because no one lives your life except you. Your soul thanks you.
Much love & peace
Image: The Hermit IX, John Bauer Tarot